The Complicated Me and My Journeys thru Life

Really bad day....

2006-01-31T00:32:00.000+08:00

Well, it’s been 5 days since I last updated this, so I thought perhaps I could do some updating now. Although I should say that this isn’t really a good time for me to do so right now. I am actually feeling extremely upset right now. I spent the past 5 days almost not doing anything.

Today, though, I was supposed to start work as a part time IT helpdesk technician. Although, for this job, I am to be in my male or boy mode, I didn’t mind, as it meant some income. Yet, the day didn’t start off well. It just felt like everything was going against me for having this job. Well, almost everything.

So, I set off in the morning for my new job. I never liked driving anywhere near town during the peak hour traffic let alone through town thus I thought that I might take a slightly roundabout way to get to work. Well, who could have foreseen that I would end up getting myself into a car accident. Someone hit their brakes hard just when the lights turned from green to amber and stopped neatly at the white line of the intersection.

For goodness’ sake, the light’s not going to turn to red even in the next 10 secs in which that particular car could have crossed the junction. I was about 2 car lengths or so away and when I saw how hard the other car braked, my mind went “SH*T..!!!”. That car in front braked so hard that its body jerked forward as it stopped even though the wheels didn’t move. I was hoping against all hopes that I can stop in time, but me never being the sort to brake that hard, I didn’t think that I applied enough pressure to the brakes.

So, ‘BANG’ goes the 2 cars. I had the worse of it as my car’s front caved in and the fan started making funny noises. The other car only had but one tiny dent not bigger than a 50-cent piece and less then 5 scratches on the rear bumper. After exchanging some contact details and such, the other driver, an Asian lady, still insisted on making a police report. Fine by me, so off we went to the nearest police station.

To cut a long story short, as I am really in no mood to elaborate it at 12.30am right now, I offered to pay for whatever repairs she needed. I still turned up for work even though I was 1 hour late but I did call in before that to inform my manager of my predicament. He was very understanding or at least that’s how I felt as through the first couple of hours that I was there he occassionally asked if I was alright. Somehow, I managed to pull through the day till 6pm in the evening and drove home in a car that now has what resembled a grumpy face with 2 bruised eyes!

Also, this unfortunate episode made me realise two other things about myself. First, I had become very emotional as at the police station, I was almost at the brink of tears a couple of times but I somehow managed to hold back. I was no long that cool, logical and detached as I probably would have been a few years back.

Secondly, when I got home and got dressed up en femme, it didn’t make anything go away. It didn’t make me feel calmer. In fact, it made me cry out. It made me feel all the more lonely and the urge of wanting a shoulder to cry on was just overwhelming! Such were the emotions I felt that I never thought I even had them in the past.

This incident also triggered some really nasty thoughts again. Suicidal thoughts no less. I am freaking myself out and probably having some sort of panic attack yet I guess I am struggling to still stay sane. Whatever ‘sane’ might be that is. Who knows and who cares? Perhaps I should evict my brains from my skull. Just perhaps. Beneath my smiles, there lies an ocean of emotions. An ocean so deep, not many can comprehand nor penetrate its depths, not even me at times.

One Day Test

2006-01-25T17:11:00.000+08:00

no not cricket but...

Well, today, I went out to town yet again, dressed en femme. This time round is to go pick up my spectacles that had been made. But I guess along the way I did some more shopping in girl mode. I seem to feel a bit more confident in myself today, this being my third time out dressed en femme in broad daylight. So, after collecting my glasses, both of them were femme glasses, I went walking around the shops. I am not sure if anyone actually could tell that I was a guy dressed as a girl or not, but at least the shop assistants were all very friendly and none gave me a weird look.

I am especially conscious of how I look and whether or not I can pass as a girl. This might be partly due to the fact that I am 6ft 2in or 188cm tall, and made taller by wearing high heels. I thought I might buy another pair of jeans this time round, but ended up not finding any. Instead, I ended up buying some sandals. Yes, more shoes or rather footwear. It’s not like I really get to wear them out much. But the good thing was the shop assistant just helped me look for the size that I needed which was a ladies size 11. After some browsing around I finally found 2 pairs that I liked. 2 pairs of shoes for under $50.00 and best of all they fit and I got to try them on there and then in the shop before I bought them.

For some reason, not much of the clothes there at that mall caught me eye today. So I decided to go to some other places to shop. I tried the op-shops but again nothing caught my eye. So I went to one other shop. There, I finally found a couple of things that I liked, a brown tank top and a dark chocolate skirt with crinkles. Again, the shop assistants didn’t bat an eyelid when I told them I wanted to try the items on.

And the last escapade of the day? I called up my beautician and told her I would like to drop by and ask her something about makeup. She already knows about my crossdressing, after all she is actually advertising with the crossdressers’ club that I go to. And to make things more interesting, I told her I was dressed en femme and if it might be alright to show up at her shop as I was. She was more excited about it than I was and insisted that I should just show up even though she was busy. I did offer to drop by another day though.

But I went anyway and yes, the place was busy! I did inform my beautician of my femme name. There were actually 3 of them there today and all 3 of them knew me first in my boy mode, but today they all addressed me by my femme name. Well, except the owner of the place but then again she’s the oldest there and thus I guess it’s a bit hard for her to change from calling my boy name to my girl name in an instant. And when she got it wrong, I’d pretend I didn’t know that name and asked her politely, “Who?” and she would catch the drift and quickly changed it.

Being there dressed en femme, in a busy beauty salon, where girls and women were all about, it made my feel uneasy at first. But I just started chatting with the beauticians as they went about doing their stuff and even started chatting with some of the clients too. Either I actually did pass as a girl thus no one noticed, or they noticed but didn’t comment or show it.

But finally I got to talk to the salon owner and she did say that I looked good the way I was. And I did tell her that this was really a good training for my self-confidence. In fact I didn’t actually thought I could last the day. Well, I got home around 3pm in the afternoon but I was out since 9.30am. Almost a full day, dressed en femme and with high heels. I felt happy, tired but happy.

Yet this happiness didn’t last. I was doing some reflecting on the day that I just had and was just thinking about all the people that I have seen while I was out. With regards to the guys I have seen on the streets, there are a few that would make me think “Why am I not like them? The sort of male or manly person? But would that solve how I feel about myself right now then?”. And then there were the times when I would look at guys and think “I am so glad I don’t look anywhere like them!”, this applies especially to the more oversized, or the really ‘blokey’ sort of guys.

Then came the girls and the ladies and the women. Most of the times with the females, I’d be thinking, “Why can’t I be one? Why can’t I be a girl, not just to be like them but be them?”. At other times I’d be thinking, “I wish I am dating a pretty girl like that one there or the other one there!”. It’s these 2 thoughts that really gets me upset. But I have yet to really figure out why I get upset in such a way.

how i wish...

2006-01-13T21:11:00.000+08:00

i can be a Serranus tabacarius... what's that you ask... it's a species of fish...!!! but what's so special about this species...?? well this is one species of hermaphrodite fish..!!!

heres a sniplet of the article:

"Categories of Sexual Systems

In order to categorize the large amount of sexual variation within fishes, a set of discrete categories, or sexual systems, has been proposed (see Figure 2). In this schema, a sexual system refers to an approach that individuals or species take in attempting to pass their genes on to the next generation. The two major categories are gonochores and hermaphrodites. Gonochoristic species develop into two separate sexes (are dioecious) and remain the same sex throughout their life. Gonochorsitic species can be polygynous and have multiple male reproductive morphs, such as the plainfin midshipman or the bluegill sunfish. Alternatively, gonochores can have dominant males that are reproductive and socially inhibited males that are nonreproductive, such as the African cichlid, Haplochromis (Astatotilapia) burtoni. There are also monogamous gonochoristic fish, such as many members of the butterfly fishes (family Chaetodontidae), which are well-known coral reef inhabitants.

Hermaphroditic fishes are less common than gonochoristic species. Some species in this group are simultaneous hermaphrodites, having both male and female gonads at the same time. Simultaneous hermaphrodites include some serranids, like the tobaccofish, Serranus tabacarius. Despite having both male and female reproductive organs, S. tabacarius mates sexually (i.e., does not self fertilize), and switches on a moment-tomoment basis between mating as a male and then as a female (Petersen, 1995). A single fish species among simultaneous hermaphrodites, Rivulus marmoratus, can even fertilize its own eggs (Harrington, 1975).

Rather than being one sex (gonochoristic) or both sexes at the same time (simultaneous hermaphrodites), sequential hermaphrodites are one sex at one stage in their life and then switch to the opposite sex later in life (see Figure 2). These are more common than simultaneous hermaphrodites (Devlin & Nagahama, 2002; Warner, 1984b). At least 19 families of fishes have members that naturally change sex from female to male (protogyny) and even though there are fewer species that change from male to female (protandry), protandry is still seen in at least 10 different families (Devlin & Nagahama, 2002; Policansky, 1982). Sex change is seen in polyandrous, polygynous, and even monogamous species. Sex change often occurs when there is a very limited reproductive resource, such as very few members of the opposite sex or scarce high quality mating territories. In many cases, dominance, usually determined by the relative size of individuals, will determine who changes sex. The individual that changes will experience a dramatic increase in reproductive success (Ghiselin, 1969; Warner, 1984b). As if changing sex were not strange enough, there are those fish that can change sex serially, going back and forth from female to male and back to female, such as the golden goby and several monogamous Gobiodon species (Nakashima, Kuwamura, & Yogo, 1995, 1996; Sunobe & Nakazono, 1993)."

and if u r interested in reading the entire article here it is:

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3778/is_200301/ai_n9208650

so... i wonder perhaps i was such a fish in one of my past lives...!!! heheheh

For the past one week....

2006-01-13T16:22:00.000+08:00

it's been a week since i last posted... and it had been quite a week... other than still being jobless and hunting for one... (though i should be putting more effort into doing that really....) what have i been up to...??

for starters, i had a major wax over on monday... had my eyebrows done at one salon... this was the one that i had all of my facial waxing done... but since i started on IPL which i permanent hair removal, i've stopped waxing my face... except of course for the brows where the laser can't go due to obvious risks...!! getting fried eyeballs isn't what i would call fun eh...

then, i headed out to another salon to get my full body wax... and yes it was full body... bikini too... a double x bikini wax... ouchies... was painful.. but love the clean smooth feeling afterwards.. though i think i have a few stubborn hairs that refuse to get uprooted like the rest...

strangest thing was... at both the salons, and with both the girls that were doing the waxing on me, i started to talk to them about me... and the fact that i am exploring my femme self and of me wanting to put on a skirt literally... neither of them were fazzled by what i said... one of them actually does know about crossdressers.. but then again i saw the name of that salon in the newsletter of the crossdressers' society (Chameleons Society) that i m currently a member of... so yeah, i actually started talking to these ppl about me... and the second person was a total stranger... never met her before till that day...

so i got the waxing done... next thing i know, on tuesday, i was out in town, dressed en femme... but i didn't think i passed as a girl though.. :( as i got recommended boy jeans fr 2 different shops.. :( but hey, i had some good time to myself shopping AND trying out girl clothes... and i did end up buying some.. and a pair of sandals even.. but the sandals are becoming rather painful to wear as there is a piece of hard plastic that sits on the divider that goes between the big toe and the second toe... oh well... might have to find something, maybe some kinda of soft padding to glue onto that section so as to reduce the pain...

the last thing i did on tuesday... and of all things that i had to do... was to go into a spectacle shop... choose the frames for my specs... it was a buy one get one free thing... so might as well... then i decided to go see the optometrist to have my eyes checked just to make sure that the lens power hasn't changed... but the optometrist is only in on fridays... so i had to go in again on friday... but that was it for tuesday...

now wednesday... for wednesday, if it was the 2nd one of the month, i'd normally be headed off to the Chameleons Society for the meeting.. and wednesday was meeting night..!! yet i ended up not going... which probably was rather uncommon of me... but i was having dinner with some friends... and one couple brought their kids along, a 2yr old and a 4 yr old... both girls...

now, i know in the past when i was younger, i never really got close to kids nor did i let them get close to me... i was rather detached when it came to young children or toddlers... yet i decided to give it a go and let these 2 little girls get close to me... the younger one ended up giving me hugs almost everytime she sees me... she'd even come running towards me, all smiles, just to give me that hello hug... now this is a bit unlike of her as she doesn't normally let people get near to her even... and i think the older sister got jealous of that too...!!! of the younger girl's closeness to me, and not to her...

yet i feel that everytime i am around these 2 little girls, i want to be a mom... especially when i m holding or looking after the 2 yr old... she makes me feel maternal... no not paternal, but maternal... and the fact that she so comfortable with me just reinforces my urge to want to be a mother... it's not just the longing to be a parent but to be a mother...

thus i opted to spend time with these 2 kids than rushing off from dinner (which started late and ended late anyways) to get home to change and then rushing off to the club meeting... rushing wouldn't have made the meeting enjoyable in the end either...

and now moving on to thursday... i decided to go and see the hairdresser to see if my hair needs any trimming... well according to her, my hair is growing nicely but she would rather wait for the top layer to grow longer before trimming any... so what she did was just to trim my fringe for me for free..!! was a really quick trim though... just so that the fringe didn't get into my eye... then we started chit chatting... and i end up talking about myself and my expression of my femme self... she was cool with it too... so that makes like 3 persons in a week that i have actually talked to about me...

and in the evening of thursday, i caught up with a buddhist friend of mine... the lady that i had talked to about myself since about a yr ago... and from her view of me over the past yr, i seem to her to be progressing and getting more relaxed as to who i am... i guess it is due to the fact that i have longish hair now and pierced ears... and i do show up at the buddhist meetings with my hair and pierced ears as they are, making no attempt whatsoever to conceal them...

so, it's friday now... and of all dates it has to be it is friday the 13th... i wonder if there is a freddie kruger living on my street... well at least the street i live on isn't called elm street..!!!

anyways i had to go to see the optometrist remember..?? i made that appointment on tuesday...?? so yeah off i went to town again... got there... and guess what... when they keyed my name into their computer, there was a match..!! it was a record fr some 5 yrs ago... and that record had my boy name on it... i was totally caught off-guard... and i guess in my moment of blunder i think i admitted that that was my old address which implied that that was me...!!! opps...!! and i was dressed en femme...!!! well i didn't actually feel embarassed or anything... nor did i really get all uptight about it... i just brushed it aside.. well sort of...

so with that bit of contradicting info, i had to now face the optometrist.. he was a youngish-looking indian-looking guy... but he was polite enough to ask me how would i like to be addressed after he introduced himself... (though i forgot his name already) i guess the conflicting information of what is on the record and what i was presenting myself to be is probably why he asked me that question... i just told him to address me by my original first name, which was a rather ambiguous name in the gender sense... and that was it....!!! everything else went as per normal, the eye test that is... and i didn't actually feel uncomfortable either... and the 2 girls working out at the counter didn't give me any strange looks either.. we just chatted normally... well though, the cynical me would say "but you won't know what goes on after you have left and what they might be saying about you behind your back"

anyways... i'll need to go back to pay the balance of the account and to collect my specs... and i will go dressed en femme again... and perhaps even get around to checking what sort of a record they have on me..!! hahaha... and maybe even attempt to explain a bit about myself..?? hmm... sounds to me like a plan... :D

and after the trip to town, i decided to drop by a friend's shop before going home... but i called before waltzing in there... just to give him the heads up... he is actually someone i met at the Chameleons' Society as well... so yup... got there... chatted for a bit... people were coming and going from the shop... i actually made eye contact with some of the customers and we just smiled..

all in all a good week i guess... and also, my blood test results are out... found that out when i called the doctor... and so i made an appointment that is in a week's time... i really want to know... can't wait to know... perhaps i m normal physically.. i guess that is good news then... but even if there is something odd with the results, it's good news too as it does mean that i am not dreaming and all these gender issues are not just in my head... well, we'll know soon enough...

i guess through this one week, i've actually gotten myself to a sort of acceptance of who i am.. i even managed to go out in daylight dressed en femme and not to be too concerned about it.. i really want to find that confidence and acceptance in myself... i really want to take steps forward, no matter how big or tiny they may be, so long as i can move forward... at my own pace...

Mood swings (encore)

2006-01-06T20:54:00.000+08:00

k... so.. today.... what did i do..??

i went to get my blood tests done... but when i woke up in the morning... i came very very close to a panic attack... now, panic attacks are something i m familiar with as i had experienced some in the past...

k.. though i got over it and managed to get out of the house... i still felt like i was trembling... and i had to drive to the hospital where i m supposed to do my blood test.... what's worse..?? i had to get there without having breakfast... some of these tests require that i fast for at least 12 hrs... it was usually a 10 - 15 mins drive to that hospital fr my place but due to some road works, it took me like an eternity to get there... i think it was probably like close to 30mins...

when i got out of the car, i was still trembling.. and when the receptionist asked me to sign the papers my hand was shaking... almost couldn't hold the pen properly... but still managed to scribble my signature...

so i got that done... left the place... went for a late breakfast or brunch rather.. as it was like 10.30am by then... and then i ran a few more errands before coming home...

was home for the rest of the day till evening when i had to go return some dvds to the video store... had dinner and then went for a walk in girl mode again... love doing that now... even though i m still rather apprehensive of meeting ppl when i m girl mode... and living in an apartment block doesn't quite help that... but i took a long walk tonite.. almost an hr.... and actually i m feeling rather relieved right now after gettig dressed en femme and taking that walk...

i m still contemplating whether i'd ever live en femme either full time or most of the time... just a thought... at least right now i m feeling better than i did this morning or last night...

mood swings huh..?? hahaha....

Moodiness

2006-01-05T20:54:00.000+08:00

can't think of a better title right now....

so new yr's day came and went... what's new..??

worked on new yr's eve... was a wedding function... saw the bride and groom fr a distance and probably the bridesmaids and the bestman and co. at which point in time, i felt a stab in my heart... almost wanted to cry... i dunno.. it just made me upset... i felt like that, the wedding, is something that i will not have... i wanted to be the bride as well as the groom.. i don't know... i don't understand it... just that it almost made me cry....

so.. i saw my psych the first working day of this year.... went dressed as a girl.. just a coral pink blouse, girl jeans and sneakers... felt good...

and today..?? went to see a doctor that has experience dealing with people that have gender issues... got a referral to a psychiatrist and also a letter to do a round of blood tests... so now what..?? i dunno.. i m scared... freaked out even.. what if all the tests come back normal...?? then what am i experiencing..?? just a figment of my imagination..?!?!?

the 'what if' games are starting again... and right now... frankly... i wish i have a gun... and my brain can relocate fr my skull...!!! hahahaha...

the only thing that the doc agreed with me was that i do have some feminine physical features...

i don't know... there is no easy answer... at times i just want to stop searching for answers... to stop doing everything... to just stop.... to take a break... from life itself... i just can't can i..?? there is no pause button... what is the purpose of me feeling the way that i feel..?? i wonder..

i m just feeling very very sad right now.. almost.. boarding on being depressed..?!?! i dunno.. what does being depressed feel like... talk about mood swings...

Happy Christmas and Merry New Year

2005-12-29T17:32:00.000+08:00

well it's too late for christmas now lest it be for next year... but still a merry new year...

it has been an unexpectedly busy christmas for me this year though... normally in the past, i'd be spending christmas eve, day and boxing day alone or at least at home with housemates (if i had any to begin with..!!) yet this year... i was quite busy over the festive season..!!

met up with friends for karaoke on the eve of christmas eve... i had dinner near the karaoke place before i went... met a girl i regconised fr the only casual job that i had... chatted with her and i decided to just give her my mobile number...!! i m quite the funny sort of person.. i don't ask for a girl's mobile number.. i give her mine...!! lol anyways... she took the slip of paper that i wrote it on and promptly dialled it from her mobile and gave me a missed call..!! wow..!! and i even offered to buy her a fruit juice sometime... hahah.. she doesn't drink anything else.. not beer, not coffee.. :S i wonder if she drinks wine..?!?! considering when i met her she was tending to a bar counter..!!! that's probably another job that she does... the bartending...

so yeah.. karaoke... then on christmas eve, i was over at a friend's place for a dinner get-together...!! had a sip of red wine, and i almost felt like an elephant stomped on my head... "yeoch... did anyone get the number of that truck..?!?" and i only barely finished a glass of the wine.. :( *sighs* seems so far it's red wines that give me the headaches...!!! must be the tannins in the wine.. :S

so that was it... or so i thought... on christmas day itself, i got insane again..!! and decided to mass text everyone on my mobile in the morning... talk about mobile spam...!!! hahaha it took a good 2minutes for message to be sent to the entire list of ppl that i have selected...!!!

i got a few messages back wishing well... and yes the girl fr my casual job too..!! she was on my 'spam' list... hehehe.. and she replied... :D so, i thought that was it then.. probably another typical lonely christmas day... oh... i was sooooo wrong...!! a friend called up, inviting me over to his place for lunch and i had only 45mins to get my butt over there..!! hahah.. talk about last minute...!! luckily for me they didn't stay all too far away... so i got there... and had lunch with my friend and his wife (who is a friend of mine as well) and the rest of his family and another mutual friend... and we had an interesting fruit *after* dessert...!! a fruit that i've not had for over 10 yrs...!! a durian...!!! hahaha... the king of all fruits that smells like your foot...!!! sry.. it's probably a south east asian thing...!!!

then on boxing day, i had a bbq gathering with yet more friends... some of which were at the karaoke, a few that were at the christmas eve get-together... and some that didn't show up for either of the previous events but were there for that one.. :D

we had our bbq at a park next to the river and a casino... :D no prizes for anyone who can guess where that is.. :p hehehe.. it was so windy that it was cold despite the sun...!!! so guess what..?? i volunteered to do the cooking..!! standing next to the hot bbq pit was *the* best thing... well the smoke notwithstanding... but it was at least warm...!!! hahaha... and we had some gift exchange... 'secret santa' as it was called... lol after that we packed up and left as it was getting dark and the sky threatened to pour on us..!!!

and on the following day after boxing day, i went for a movie with some of those ppl as well..!!

so that was pretty much it..!! the few days of christmas...!! the busiest holiday season that i have had for the past few yrs..!!!

Procrastination...

2005-11-24T17:02:00.000+08:00

yup... been procrastinating in posting... *sighs* wasn't and still isn't in the mood to post... yet i feel i should...

so what's happened since the last i posted..??

well for one... my parents came for a visit... wanted to bunk in with me in my tiny apartment... i gave them a flat 'no' for an answer... my place was in a mess i told them... and is way too small for 3 ppl to be living in... that is part of the truth..!! just not the whole truth..!! i've got many of my girl stuff lying around as well as the expected boy stuff... and my parents didn't (and still don't) know about my girl self... i still don't feel comfortable talking to them yet... perhaps cos i m still not accepting myself entirely either.. :(

i got them a holiday apartment for the 6 days that they were here... and that was that... took them around town a bit but not once to my apartment....

i did talk to my folks about the Pride parade that was on the night before they arrived in town as my dad spotted an article in the local mandarin newspaper... and he did ask why are there ppl that are homosexual if it can be cured, 'it' here being the fact of being gay or rather homosexual... what more can i say....?? other than 'no it can't be cured..!!' grrr....

also for the past couple of weeks... i've had to fulfill some requirements for Centrelink as i m still unemployed... and i m involved in some other Buddhist activities as well... i feel so burnt out right now... having bad thoughts again.... :(

i m kinda *tired* now... and it is dinner time.. hopefully i'll find some energy to post somemore later...

lol quiet blog... i guess if all else fails i can still grumble to you, my blog... :)

Odd day today...

2005-10-26T22:55:00.000+08:00

yup.. odd... rather i wasn't really feeling well... tummy threw a huge tantrum... so i ended up running to the toilet like 5 times... :S not fun...

though i did get my face waxed..!!

well now i m tired... even though i napped in the afternoon... i m still tired... gonna go shower soon and hopefully take a rest... and hope that my stomach feels better tomorrow...

The more I read...

2005-10-24T10:31:00.000+08:00

... the less i understand...

i've been reading some of the groups that i m affiliated with online regarding gender issues... and what books and online articles that i come across... one might wonder or even to agree that the more one reads the clearer things should get or at least a better understanding of the issue at hand... while this might be true for a problem of physics or mathematics, it certainly is not the case when the issue is one of gender... my own gender for that matter..

it just seems like with that much reading done over the past year or so, i m beginning to wonder, is the self that is me really my self..?? or is it a self that is constructed by me from what i read..??

Opps a daisy...!!

2005-10-22T12:05:00.000+08:00

yup.. opps... i was working last nite at my only job right now.. a casual job as a kitchen assitant... the 'opps' that happened last nite was that i dropped a couple of plates... yeah and they shattered upon hitting the ground... no biggie.. just had to pick up the pieces and clean up... fortunately i didn't end up cutting myself... those plates just seem to slip right through my fingers.. but they just came out of the dishwasher and were hot and still wet.. fun huh...??

got home late after work... work ended at like 11pm... got home at around 11.15pm... the minute i sat down here at the comp, i dozed off... had to drag myself to go shower then blow dry my hair before i went to bed.. yet when i was in lying in bed, my mind was wandering everywhere and not really wanting to sleep... :(

and now, at 12.30pm on a saturday afternoon, i m feeling sleepy.. :S perhaps i should just take a nap... but i woke up at 10am..!! i didn't wake up at 7am or anything like that..!! hahaha.. *sighs*

oh did i mention that there r times when i just wish i have a loaded gun..?!?! i wonder what i'd do with one if i ever had one..!! hahaha...

So tired that I couldn't even sleep....

2005-10-21T11:51:00.000+08:00

a song that has been playing itself in my mind in the past day or so....

Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
I promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep; there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

that's quite how i feel sometimes... *sighs* a sense of tiredness.. not physical but perhaps emotional or deeper... i dunno...

who cares..??

2005-10-20T17:41:00.000+08:00

i wonder... for most of my previous posts, i had tried my best to maintain a positive attitude and such... yet, i feel like i almost have enough of it all now... yes this probably does sound negative and probably contrary to the image that most ppl have of me...

i've just had a counseling session earlier this week... one of the issues that i've actually discussed with my counselor was brought up again... i brought it up...

i kept having this same question in my mind... "am i going crazy or am i trying to run away from the reality of life by crossdressing or trying to justify that i have a femme side... OR am i trying to run away from a genuine issue that i have with gender that i have ignored for the last 15 yrs...???"

that is my question... my dilemma if you will... i've gone so far to tell the counselor that i wish i could be evaluated by a psychologist and FBI profiler(or equivalent) while strapped to a lie detector... and use truth serum if need be even..!! yes i am paranoid... a sense of paranoia that could be rather deep-seated...

yet my counselor assured me that from her point of view, i was a genuine case... that i wasn't making things up nor pretending to have a problem when none existed... and she made that observation basing on some past experiences apparently as she said that she had in the past encountered ppl that had issues that actually arised fr totally different aspects than what they had perceived... (erm.. i don't think i made myself clear on that point, but as an example, someone claiming to have a sexuality issue actually might be having a psychological issue rather than an actual sexuality issue... does that sound clearer..?? not to place any less importance on those who truly feel that they have issues pertaining to sexuality) but i guess she might have seen enough ppl in her line of work as a counselor to be able to discern so facts to say the least...

thus when she said that in her opinion, i was genuinely having an issue, i actually found solace in those words... i've actually raise this same question in the past after our first few sessions... well so now... either i truly have a genuine problem or (paranoia kicking in) i m so good at lying that even she can't pick it up...!! *sighs*

it's a wonder that i can be living alone in my own little apartment and even to the extend of staying in my apartment for up to 48hrs at a stretch without taking a step out of it...!!! a wonder that i have yet to go crazy yet...

sometimes i guess it is my insanity that keeps me sane...!!!

but hey... then again... who cares...??

3-inch shrimp

2005-10-17T17:43:00.000+08:00

does psychologists (ie shrinks) really make a 3-inch shrimp out of you...?? i wonder... anyways in this past month or so... i've made some small decisions... one is to go see a shrink... *finally* after such a long time...

another is to just let go and start sporting nail polish on a daily basis... and yup for the past month, i've had my nails done up and just let them be till the polish get chipped before i re-did them...

also, i've told my parents that i m letting my hair grow long and that i am getting my ears pierced...!! both ears...!!

my parents are coming to visit in about 2 weeks' time... i wonder what they would say about me... *sighs*

so.... what's next...??

2005-09-03T17:31:00.000+08:00

hmm.. the usual me.. not posting much... if ever...!!! :p

so.... what's next..?? i really don't know...!!!

i had some blood tests done recently... and...!!! of all things that might go wrong... my androgen level is found to be low... everything else is normal... just the androgen level....

"... have not found a cause for the low Sex Hormone Binding Globulin. It can be caused by some drugs including hormones...." - note posted to me by the doctor... (note: why are doctor's handwriting so darn hard to read..?? it's like they become smart and they lose the skill to write.. :P )

i m going back to see that doctore to find out more... hmm... drugs.. the only drugs i take are those i buy from my friendly chemist for my coughs and colds...!!! or maybe caffine..?? or chocolate..??!?!? hmm... humpf.... well it's still interesting to find that out... of all things to go wrong... (or could it be right for me..?? i wonder...)

another thing that has been going on in my life is that i m now sporting hair that is just grown long enough to cover my ears... probably concealing my pierced ears now.. :D

also, i've been going around with nail polish on my nails.. :) for like 3 weeks now... the polish is not rather chipped and since my nails have grown and i've filed them shorter too, the base of the nails are now showing.. might take them off and redo them tomorrow.. :)

heheh... i get told by girls how feminine my fingers look sometimes, IF they noticed my hands at all... the nail polish coupled with my rather feminine fingers made a few ladies jealous even...!!! and girl do i love that..!!! :P

that makes me wonder... my low level of androgen probably would have been a very long term issue... couldn't have happened even within the last 3 yrs... cos my fingers and forearms look slim and slender like a girl's and they have been that way ever since i can remember.... no drug could have caused such a change in a short time... it would be way too drastic... no doubt my palm/fist size is still bigger than that of a girl, it isn't quite as big as a guy's either... thus, it does make one wonder what is going on.. :)

oh well just gotta take a step at a time... and find out more.. :)

Nails... not the steel ones...

2005-08-23T23:38:00.000+08:00

hmm.... been a while again since i last posted... guess that is just me... :p

to begin with... it's been a week and a half since i had my nail polish on.... and i've been up and about to places with them... was kinda worried about it all though... but after today... i guess i m not gonna be too fazed by it.... well the color isn't all too obvious i guess... so that is a good thing... :) the nail polish color almost matches my skin tone... a sort of beige color.. :)

anyways... i had to go see a doctor today.... and of all things that i have to see her for, it's for a patch of itchy skin on the back of my right hand..!!! it resembled a rash but it was confined to that small egg-shaped patch...

so, i had to show the doctor my hand... and she saw my nails.... AND my nail polish.... she did comment about them... that i had very nice nails and nice nail polish too.... and then she added the fact that why didn't she have such nice nails.... :P i think she's jealous.. :p hehehehe.... anyway, she prescribed some medication for that patch, saying that it could have been caused by a fungal infection... :S yikes.. :(

then the next thing she took notice was my pierced ears and the studs i have in the piercings... and she asked me if i was bi...!! :p i just smiled and shrugged... and she went on saying that it doesn't matter much here in Australia though.... given the way that people here are rather liberal at expressing themselves, as compared to asian countries.... and that it was more important to just be myself... i was rather relieved to hear that from her... considering the fact that she is Asian... and if i remember correctly, she was originally from Malaysia...!!!

i guess that small incident did give me a sort of a confidence boost... and reaffirmed that i should just be who i am...

so as a new determination, as of today i m not going to be worried about my polished nails... in fact i am going to keep re-applying the nail polish as and when it is necessary... :)

this is me... i am who i am... perhaps this is now a new beginning for me..??? i don't know... :) but i feel a bit of joy now.. :) relaxed even... :)

My, my... did i miss...

2005-08-04T14:40:00.000+08:00

my periodic posting..?? lol i guess i did... but hey i m not the queen of blog posts, i'll admit to that.. :)

been busy for the past month really... what with the weekend away organised by the Chameleons Society, a marketing job and a trip to the Melbourne... very busy indeed...

the weekend away was very good.. we got there on Saturday early evening.. it was a Dinner and Ball event that evening... we also had a fashion show too.. :) i actually managed to still enjoy myself despite of the fact that i was down with the flu... i do admit that i had to run off at around midnight to take a hot shower as it was getting chilly for the ill me to bear... thus i missed out on the karaoke part lol... might have been a good thing as then i didn't have to sing.. heheh... couldn't really sing anyways with the cold...

also, the Monday just before the Ball, i started a marketing job... we were the human commercial... and we had to stand in public places like shopping centres or the airport to promote a product to people... was a fun job... but i didn't last 2 weeks... :S it was a bit too fast paced for me to handle... after 2 weeks i was feeling very very drained out.. and i must have caught the flu during that time too... :-/ so, one week after the weekend away event, i decided to quit the marketing job...

after that, it was only a few days left till i flew off to Melbourne for a Conference... it was a Youth Conference hosted by the buddhist organisation that i am with... i had a wonderful time there though... there were a few lectures as well as 2 teleconferences, one with someone from Japan and the other with another person from USA... we also had an evening of fun and laughter as members from the different states in Australia had to put up performances.... some were touching, some were awe-inspiring and others left the audience in stiches...

so yup.. been a busy month for me.. :) and that is just a quick summary of it all.. hehehe...

These past few weeks... and Finally...

2005-06-24T15:28:00.000+08:00

hmm... what's been going on in these few weeks of my life..?? i wonder.. :) well, me and a few friends got together for dinner to celebrate a friend's birthday on one of the weekends... it was a surprise thing for her as we didn't tell her we'd be there at dinner.. :D we all brought some food along as well.. but it ended up quite like the fact that each one of us brought enough to feed everyone that was attending.. :D heheh just imagine the amount of leftovers.. :p but it was fun still...

and we had the usual CDs' club meeting on Wednesday night... i wasn't really up to going to the meeting that afternoon though.. but i went anyways... was glad i did cos it's always good to catch up with the rest of the ppl there.. :)

anyways... fast forward to today.. :) was out in the afternoon for a while.. did a bit of shopping.. found some cheap items... strange thing was i had a feeling that i might just find something today and that's what pushed me on to go out... althought that wasn't the main reason...

the main reason was... i decided to get my ears pierced..!!! yes... *FINALLY* got them done... thing was everyone said it won't hurt... or that they didn't feel a thing when it was done..!! but it hurt for me.. and even like 2hrs after that, i still feel my earlobes throbbing.. :( a sort of dull pain... i wonder how long before that feeling goes away.. :S that dull throbbing pain.... i almost feel like putting some ice packs on my ears right about now.. :p hehe.. oh well.. just hope it gets better soon.. :)

Confusing..?? maybe...

2005-06-10T13:11:00.000+08:00

hmm.. i decided to go buy myself some items of clothing today after browsing thru a shopping catalogue that comes in the mailbox occasionally.... it so happens that this shopping chain has an outlet near to where i live.. about 10 minutes' drive away...

although the shop sells both men's and women's clothing (and children's as well) today i was more interested in getting some girl stuff.. heck, of late, whenever i shop, it is mostly girl stuff hardly any boy stuff.. :p but yeah... i had a few items in mind.. but i didn't mange to get them all in the end.. :(

the items that i had in mind to get were a set of sports jacket and pants... the jacket was reversible... :D and also some underwear... frankly speaking i have a sizable amount of undies already... probably enough to last 2 weeks without having to 're-use' any or to do laundry.. :p but yeah.. i just love those lovely knickers.. even those some of them are just the simplest, most common ones that u could simply get off the shelf at any supermarket.. :D but yeah i was actually looking for some control briefs and maybe 2 pairs of bras.. :D cos they were on offer..!! hehehe

so i wandered into the shop... it wasn't empty mind u.. and i wasn't dolled up as a girl either... but still i wandered around the womenswear section... trying to decide on the sizes for the sports jacket and pants set... after which, i tried to find where the control briefs are.. but i can't see them.. what i saw *might* have been under the same category of what i was looking for but they didn't appeal to me... the bras..?? well that is even worse.. it is right outside of the shop, just by the entrance... in plain sight...!!! there *was* on that i liked.. a pink one... (there ya go... pink again.. :D) but...!!! since it was outside of the shop and the opposite shop is a cafe restaurant that is packed with the lunchtime crowd, yep it was lunchtime... no way am i brave enough to go browse..!!! so yeah i ended up only getting the sports jacket and pants.. :D was still good...

while i was in the shop, i took a look at myself in one of the shop's big full length mirror, from a distance of about 1.5 to 2 metres away.. hehe the mirror was taller and broader than i was..!! :D so yeah.. what i saw was a person that had a feminine face... but since this person was wearing a rather large black jacket, not much of the body shape is revealed... hair that is kinda short for a girl but not musculinely short...

i was walking back to my car after making my purchase... a guy, who was having lunch with some friends, looked up in my direction... i caught a glimse of his face and i wondered... wondered if i looked more like a boy to him or a girl.. or just simply that he can't tell.. :p

i also wondered about the other ppl in the shop where i bought my stuff... perhaps the shoppers didn't notice me at all.. :) perhaps they didn't bother... :D i won't know.. the girl at the check-out just smiled as she tallied up my purchase and returned me my change... ah well... i just have to be less self-conscious and have more confidence.. :D i just might build up the courage to doll myself up as a girl and go out someday.. :D someday..

i tried them on the minute i got home.. and they fitted just right.. although i thought that the jacket was kinda short.... but when i looked at the catalogue, the one shown in there seem to have the same proportions to what i was wearing so i guess it's just the way the jacket is designed... was good still.. heheh... best part was, it didnt' cost a bomb to buy.. now i just wonder about its quality and how long they will last.. :p

anyways... that's what i've been up to today... gotta go work in the evening... :) that pays the rent at the very least.. can't complain too much about that...

My my...

2005-06-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

i woke up this morning and took a look in the mirror... the person that looked back was quite different... except for the slight stubble on the chin and upper lip, remnants of the waxing fr the day before, i'd have thought the face in the mirror is a girl's.. yup i love those newly 'sculpted' eyebrows.. :D

so yeah... the day started and i busied myself around the house a bit in the morning... then decided to take a walk while the sun still shines since it was pouring for the whole darn morning... but the twist again was that i decided to put on my size 10B bras before leaving the house.. :D love the feel of it.. hehehe besides this is the season of the cold.. so i can *hide* under the heavy jackets of the season.. ehehehe... :D

so yeah another walk... partly dressed in high stealth... :D but with this new eyebrow sculpting i might find the courage to go out dressed as a girl.. :D just have to do something about my zits now.. :D and the facial hair.. :S lol still a problem.. but i m considered lucky already...

and so ends another day........

Oh... My ears..!!!

2005-06-08T23:59:00.000+08:00

hmm... i was out visiting a friend this morning... we had a little chat about me and the girl in me.. :D heheh she is like an older sister to me.. at least that is how i feel... so yeah anyways.. it was a short chat as she had to go meet her friend... and thus i was left to my own devices for a few hrs... i had a facial waxing appointment in the afternoon... just after lunch...

so i decided to go take a walk in a shopping centre that is in the vicinity... which was north to where i stay by the way.... so off i went to the shopping centre... walked around aimlessly... and i've never been to that particular shopping centre during its usual opening hours... i used to go there for drinks after so games of badminton with friends... but that was normally on sunday afternoons...

so yeah... i wondered around the place... saw a nice jacket... very tempted to by but i m not sure i'd fit into it.. it was a size 14 but i don't think i would wanna go try it on in a very crowded place such as that shopping centre... so i didn't get that... :S

and i wondered along further and came to a beauty salon... they also do all manners of body piercing...!!! so i walked in and asked about ear piercing... the price was very reasonable... but for the life of me, i can't understand why she is so keen on getting me to get my ears pierced...!!! kept telling me it'll only take 2mins..!! then i asked if they had the 'invisible' type of studs for pierced ears but there weren't any in the shop... so i decided not to get them done in the end.. :p they were also showing a video on permenent hair removal and the salon does waxing as well.. so i decided to ask about that... but they don't have that service at this particular branch so she didn't know the details... :S

and then after that it was on to the facial waxing.. :D had my eyebrows 'sculpted' this time round.. and i love the way they look now.. :D

and in the evening.. well.. was a cold night.. but i got dressed and went to a social meeting.. :D hehehehe... and that ends my wednesday.. :D this is the only time i get out of the house as the girl me.. :D

Today: What a trip...!!!

2005-06-03T19:34:00.000+08:00

hmm.. well i decided to do something a little different today.. :D

i decided to wear a size 10B bra for the whole day..!!! yup the whole day... just that today i didn't just sit at home.. :D i put the bra on after i washed up in the morning... before i go about doing anything else... well no stick-on breast forms though.. :D just the bra itself, it was still a lightly padded bra though.. :D was kinda obvious under my t-shirt but... hehehe....

so... i sorted thru my laundry... girl pile and boy pile... so that they would go into separate machines... the sad thing is that the machines in the laundry room of my apartment block isn't too advanced.. anyway the whole load wouldn't fit into one machine either... so i loaded the machines... popped the coins in and ran back up to my apartment to start making myself some breakfast... after about 10mins, i went back down to the machines and poured in the softener... went back up the stairs... came back down to load the washed clothes into the dryer... then came back again to pick up the dry clothes... all this while with the bra under my t-shirt... but of course... it was cold today.. so i had a jacket on... hehehe.. so it wasn't all too obvious i guess... and no biggie.. i've done this once before.. :D if u remember my other article.... The past month... and a laundry adventure..??

after doing the laundry, i actually decided to take a walk to the nearby park... and so i did... all the while, i had the bra on... it made me feel different.. i can feel my breasts jiggle a bit as i walked... i've actually adjusted the straps of the bra prior to putting them on such that they did not pull down as hard as i usually had them... and as long as i don't pull down on my jacket, it just felt like my breasts were jiggling slightly... and i really loved that feeling... so after walking around the park, i went to the grocery store to buy some bread... was out of bread after i had breakfast.. :S lol

well normally i wouldn't have dared to take such a walk... not with a bra on.. even if it is underneath a t-shirt as well as a jacket...!!! but today... i just wanted to know how it felt.. i love the feeling... and i really wish i had bigger breasts and that i could just be a girl... but i know i like being a boy too... hehehe... o well... i guess this is another step for me...

oh and by the way... i haven't shaved for some 2 weeks now.. :D not much facial hair growth for 2 long weeks.. but i still have some stubble on the chin and upper lips... :D i am planning another facial waxing soon.. :D

lol, unshaven, with a bra under the t-shirt and jacket... what a strange combination..!! hehehe... and i guess that would be all from me for today.. :D unless something exciting happens on this particular friday night.. :D

The past month...

2005-06-03T18:45:00.000+08:00

hmm... so what has happened in the past month..?? i kept telling myself that i should update this blog more often... but i just never seem to get around to it.. :S

o wells.. here's a month in a mouthful then.. i guess.. hehehe...

i did some shopping in the beginning of the month... managed to get some shoes that barely fitted my feet.. lol i m seriously thinking my feet's sizes are 10 3/4 for my right foot and 11 1/4 for my left... cos a pair of size 11 ladies's shoes is just a tad bit loose on my right foot and a wee bit tight on the left..!!!

i also managed to get some really nice pink and cream/off-white PJs on that same trip.. :D but the pants need some altering.. heheh when the top fits me, the bottom becomes too loose and threatens to fall off my hips.. lol

i am still hunting around for some items of clothing though... and oh.. did i mention that there is a ball that is upcoming that i would be attending...?? it's goin to be a weekend away where i'd be able to dress as my girl self.. :D yippeee...!!! looking forward to that... also, it would be a good getaway with a few new found friends of mine.. :D friends that i've made over the past couple of months or so from the local crossdressers' club, The Chameleons Society.

and on that note, i've even been able to have coffee with one of my new friends... and after the last coffee session, we actually went shopping in town, but in boy mode of course.. we weren't brave enough to be in girl mode out in broad daylight just yet... my friend ended up getting some music CDs and i didn't buy anything...

also, the club meetings held by The Chameleons Society are getting quite lively now... i guess the cooler weather does bring us chameleons out.. :D personally though.. since i am still jobless at the moment, i tend to spend a fair deal of time alone at home by myself... thus, i do realise that nowadays i tend to want to dress as a girl more.... and with the recent procurement of a pair of stick-on breast forms (thanks go to another fellow club member for helping me buy them.. :D), i've began to fill those blouses up a bit better... makes me feel happy too.. but there were times that it actually made me feel sad.. cos i am reminded that what i have are stick-ons and not real breasts.. i sometimes do feel the urge to have the real deal.... and it is not just the breasts.. but there are times that i really want to be a genetic girl....

also, being jobless at the moment, i was searching the web for jobs... and this thought started to come to my mind about a week or so ago.... that i would really like to be able to find a job that i could be both the boy me and the girl me.... as in i can go in to work dressed as either and i would still be accepted... i wonder if there even is such a job..?!?! oh well a girl can always hope can't she..?? :D

anyways.. i had a facial waxing again some 2 weeks back... was talking to my beautician about the wax... and how i seem to feel more pain on my left side of my face as compared to the right side.. stranger even was that when she was doin my eyebrows just above the nose bridge... she told me that she put wax on the entire gap between the brows... i told her i can only feel the heat from the wax on the left side nearer to my left eye.... but don't really feel anything there where it is nearer to the right eye... there almost seem to be an invisible line dividing my face down the middle and i only feel the sensation on the left of that line..!!! lol, strange isn't it..??

so.... what else is new....??? hmm... i've been having a lot of fun chatting online with these new friends i have...

and yes..!!! one other thing... i told someone the truth about me... well at least the truth as i know it.. :D strangest thing was, i wasn't really close to this person, a lady friend, in the beginning... but after talking to her about the issues that i have and the fact that she didn't freak out when i told her, i felt rather relieved.... we even had a good chat over the phone that lasted some 3hrs.. it might have been a longer chat, had my cordless phone ran out of battery and died..!!! but it was all good... and now i feel so much more at ease talking to her :-)

so there you have it... one month in one post.. :D lol let me know if i have left anything out.. :D hahaha... whoever that reads... :D

PMS....

2005-06-03T18:15:00.000+08:00

... yup, PMS...!!! well commonly known as premenstrual syndrome... but that isn't really what i have now... i *wish* i had that version of PMS too... but nope.. not today... not now... but yeah i still do have PMS... just a different version of it.. :D my version is called the Post-Meal Syndrome... (hey...!!! one word common with the real deal..!!) heheh this Post-Meal Syndrome can strike anyone regardless of age, gender, race, etc.. but seem to hit babies the most..!! so what is it..?? simple..!! falling asleep after a good meal..!!! lol... yup a good meal tend to give me PMS..!!

but on a serious note, i sometimes do wish that i would be able to have my monthly menstral cycle... crazy as it may sound... most girls would probably tell me that i must be nutz to even want to have that... but i guess it is more about me being me as a girl than anything else...

And it does seem like....

2005-06-03T17:34:00.000+08:00

... this posting business is my 'once a month'..!!

lol yeah i know.. i should do better and post more often... it's not like there aren't anything interesting to post.. it's just my laziness i guess... plain and simple... :D

but now that i wanted to post.. my stomach is telling me otherwise.. :S lol it's dinner time for me i guess.. skipped lunch though.. so i guess that is why.. :p

as the terminator says:"I'll be back..!!"

Time flies...

2005-05-12T13:42:00.000+08:00

... and girl does it fly fast..!!! it's been a month since i last posted... lol seems like this is my once a month..!!!

and i guess i m not goin to be writing a lot of the 'intellectual' stuff this time round... but rather of the more day-to-day sort of stuff...

yeah i've been goin to a social club for crossdressers for the past few months... and yes it did help.. the meetings gave me a chance to be ME... or rather the girl that is me... :)

a few of the members that i met during my first few meetings recently commented on how much i've changed and 'grown' as a girl.. :) i guess i need to grow up.. :p but at least i didn't start at the diaper stage..!!! more of like starting at the 'teenage yrs' stage...

besides, i've recently (or rather just last night) gotten an inexpensive pair of silicone breast forms... and i tried them on... really did make a difference...!!!

i guess i'll be looking forward to the next club meeting even more now..!!!

also in the past month, i managed to talk to a friend of mine... a lady from which i sometimes seek guidance and encouragement from... i was over at her place for a discussion on some things that i had to do for a meeting that i was the emcee for... but when i went to her place, i had my nail polish on... it was the morning after one of the club meetings... my friend noticed the nail polish but did not say a thing until i brought up the topic.. i did not tell her the whole story but i did say that i would really want to let the girl in me out to play... she was totally fine with that... even encouraged me to just be the person that i am... that, to me, is a form of acceptance from a friend... even more surprising might be the fact that she is also a senior to me in the Buddhist organisation that i m in...!!

i would say that personally, my practice as a Buddhist and believe in the philosophy of this Buddhist organisation is the main reason that i am still alive and sane today... i am also grateful of the fact that this path has led me to make new friends at the social club and to learn of the fact that even though i may be unique in my own way, there r still others that are similar in some ways to me.. :)

yet there are still more challenges up ahead.. :) and i guess i just have to try my best to overcome them one at a time.. :)

The past month... and a laundry adventure..??

2005-04-05T10:48:00.000+08:00

hmm.. i've not been posting again... so bad of me... :P well thoughts come thoughts go... some zip by so fast i don't really have the time or opportunity to go hunt for pen and paper... some thoughts even come to me at the strangest of times, when i am in the middle of something else... yet feelings... feelings are the ones that are ever present... over the past month, i still feel the strong urge to be a girl... and even after a month i m still thinking of purchasing women's hormone replacement pills/patches and taking/using them...!!!

there were also other feelings/emotions and sensations too.. at times i almost feel sexually aroused as a girl... yet since the only genetalia that i have are male ones it often still does end up as a male erection... yet... i m semi-awake state for the past few mornings, i've felt aroused... yet i didn't really erect... i felt that i am more of a girl... yet i m lacking the physical aspects of a girl that are ever so important to me... the only sexual release right now for me is that of a guy's... i yearn so much for sexual release as a girl... even if it is only to masturbate as a girl... but to reach that sexual climax fully as a complete girl...

there are also times that i'd feel aroused and have an erection... yet i just don't seem to be able to reach a climax unless i touched my own chest... which at the moment resemble a cup size of A or B... and i've actually slimmed down over the past 6 months... losing about 10kg in that time... i'd thought my 'breasts' were due to the fact that i was fat and overweight... right now... when i stand in front of the mirror and looked at my own body... i do feel that the body that is there looks a little like a girl's except for being slightly hairy... i guess i am blessed in that sense... i do not have extremely thick body hair on my upper torso area... but i do have a typical hairy face.. :(

well.. my adventure of the day, or rather morning, is the trips to the laundry room of my apartment block... i got out of bed this morning, had my bra on... but i had to do laundry... but i didn't feel like taking the bra off... so i just wore it and pulled on a girl's pair of jeans... and lugged my laundry down for washing... had to make 2 more trips down... one to add the fabric softener and another to hang out the washing... all the while with a hairy face and wearing a bra under my t-shirt... there *were* times that i've felt naked when i walked out of my apartment without a bra on...

so.. yeah.. guess that's the me right now.. so far.. :)

More thoughts.. yet not all of them are new...

2005-03-10T14:41:00.000+08:00

Oh..!! So recently, last night in fact, I ran into some friends whom I've not met for about a year. Their first comment...?? Is something all girls would really like to hear... (at least that is what I'd think...) "Wow, you've lost weight..!!! You look so slim now...!!!" The girl in me was simply delighted...!!! :D But of course I didn't tell them naught about that..!! not about the girl in me... yet that comment did trigger some thoughts in my mind...

Again, I've been having the thoughts of wanting, yearning even, of wanting a female body.. not just feminine... But female... I looked around me as i walked along the streets or when I am out and about... I see girls, ladies, women, that are young, that are old, some are probably close to my own age... I keep getting this strong urge of wanting to BE a girl, a lady, a woman...

Yet, strong too is the feeling of wanting a girlfriend... Someone once commented... that I am a lesbian trapped in a guy's body... perhaps there is some truth in that comment.. :) yet i can't deny the part of me that still feels male and has the desires of a typical bloke...

Thinking back on the past 5 to 6 yrs of my life... I seem to be quite close to girls than to guys... I mean as friends... I don't seem to get along very well with majority of the guys that I know of... but rather, I seem to count more girls amongst my group of friends than guys... I was rather close to some of these girls too.. At least IMHO.. :P Close enough to some of them that sometimes some people would mistake me and the girl to be a couple... does make me wonder at myself sometimes too... and at the perception of the people around me... it's all so intriguing to me rather than annoying.. :)

*sighs* what more can i say..?? the ME that is I is an interesting entity or entities.. :)

i guess i'll stop here for now.. my mind is wandering along with heaps of thoughts yet the thoughts are just a jumble, it's not an easy task to pen them down.. :p

Didn't realise it was this long....

2005-02-25T13:19:00.000+08:00

... since i last posted..!! well, i've been quite busy for that period of time though... with my parents visiting, my graduation ceremony... YES..!! i've finally graduated...!!! took me forever to get this degree... now, i have to start looking for a job...!! :( lol finish one chase only to have to start another... hahaha.. that's life i suppose...

when my parents were here with me, we did have a wonderful time.. but i never once mentioned anything about me, about all these to them.. i don't feel that they are ready to accept any of these yet... but it made me upset too... not being able to simply pour my heart out to them... and all through this time, the yearnings of wanting to be feminine grew... the girl in me is having a multitude of different desires... i can feel myself as a girl wanting a boyfriend... wanting a sexual relationship as a genetic girl... the desire of wanting to experience the menstral cycle is also very strong... seem stronger recently than in the past.. coupled with the thoughts that i have been having for these past few months... whenever i see a pleasent-looking girl, the ME that wants a girlfriend like the girl i see and the ME that wants to be that girl that i see...

and of late, i've had the increased desire to purchase women's hormone replacement products... the yearning to become a female sometimes is so strong that it hurts... yet knowing the fact that i can never be completely female, that i can never conceive my own baby and to give birth to my own child and to breastfeed my own baby.... that fact hurts me now more than anything else... and to add to the confusion, i know i want to be a father too... to hold my wife's hand during childbirth and to be a father to my child...

the me that wants a girlfriend/wife... the me that wants a boyfriend/husband... the me that i am physically... the me that seems trapped within the confines of my conciousness... which is ME... or am i dreaming... or hallucinating..?? is it just a figment of my own twisted imagination..?? how can I be sure... questions that has no answers... questions that, when i feel emotionally vulnerable, my logical self asks...

when my parents left at the end of their short 1 week visit, i felt sad... i missed them.. it was a feeling that i've never felt.. i mean, i've been away from home and from my family for so long... i only see them like once a yr or so... yet this time round, my emotions were different... and what was different with me this time round as compared to the past is that i am facing up to myself and trying to accept my own feminine self.... was it her that felt the sadness..?? was it her that cried... yet she is me.. she is a part of me... i am her.. i am a part of her...

i know i feel the lonliness within me... the yearning to have someone close... someone that can understand and accept me as the complicated person that i am... yet i am at a loss right now.. i can't even be 100% sure of who or what sort of a person i am looking for...

yet i guess all these are part of this journey that i have embarked upon... i just hope and pray to find the strength to walk this path... wherever the path might lead me... and as lonely as it might be for me for now... i do thank the very few friends that i have that i feel comfortable talking to about all these...

Busy, Busy

2005-01-23T22:57:00.000+08:00

hmm.. been busy for the past week or so.. things that should have arrived earlier didn't arrive.. had me all worried.. but they finally arrived.. so all is well... ran around getting stuff done.. had a few meetings with friends...

and all through the hussle and bussle of all these, i continue to have thoughts.. thoughts so fleeting that they are hard to even pen down... if only i can recall these thoughts.. oh, the randomness of them.. :) yet it is interesting sometimes... the occurance of such thoughts... thoughts of who am i.. (hehe as usual) but now these thoughts are not so frightening to me as they might have been in the past.. now that i m discovering a bit of myself.. a bit at a time.. as i go about my daily life..

life still goes on.. with or without me... existance is eternal.. with or without humans to define it... looking from that point of view, humans are almost tiny and insignificant...!! even though there are 6 billion of us on this tiny ball of dust we call Earth... tiny, given the vastness of Space... yet amazingly each one of these 6 billion people on this planet would have our individual roles to play and the uniqueness that defines us as individuals.. strangely too, is the fact that there exist similarities between these individuals that make us be know as humanity, as mankind (i wonder, can i call it womankind instead..??) that makes us be defined to be human beings...

such are the thoughts that flow through my mind from time to time and moment to moment... on my own journey to discover the me that is Me, that which make me Me...

well the upcoming week is going to be a nice and busy one again.. :) in a way, i m looking forward to it.. :)

Tiredness

2005-01-14T11:14:00.000+08:00

heheh.. been a tiring week for me so far.. running around like a crazed ant trying to get my stuff done.. oh the joy of it all... yet strangely through all these, i do sense a little bit of smoothness of flow between my musculine and feminine sides, as it seems that both sides are good at handling different situations and tasks.. i do not need to consciously switch between either side to do the tasks... it just seems to.... flow... :) i like that.. :)

Much to do and no time to do them

2005-01-13T11:19:00.000+08:00

Life is short... we have only a limited amount of time to do the ever so many things that we want to do or to accomplish... I've been busy lately too... running around trying to get my documents sorted out so that I can lodge in some application, and hopefully meet the deadline...

amidst my current load of things to do, I realised a little bit more about myself... it used to be stress that triggered my more feminine side to appear yet not this time... but on closer examination, this is a different sort of stress... before, i was getting stressed out due to studies and schoolwork... but now, this stress is more of due to having to get things done physically and meeting a deadline with so many other factors involved that are beyond my direct control.. the stress from studies i could manage with the more femme side of me.. but this new stress.. well i think i m managing it from a sort of a mixed personality way...

more and more nowadays, i feel that i seem to be interacting with other people with a more feminine sort of personality rather than the old musculine personality that i know i have ever since my teens... sure does make things interesting in this manner.. but i guess it might just work out to be to my advantage though.. :) who'd like to talk to a grumpy person anyways.. my femme self seem to be the more cheerful type of girl... whereas the guy in me seems to be more of the obstinate and unyielding one.. :) both have their good and bad traits, no doubt.. it's just how can i integrate the 2 into 1.. that would be the best i reckon... :)

Thoughts as I walked along the streets

2005-01-07T17:56:00.000+08:00

today, i had to go down to the city to go collect some documents...

and on the way back, i had to walk past a shop selling bridal gowns and ball gowns.. i glanced in and can't help but feel sad... and also feel the yearning to want to be the bride at the wedding.. yet i know i would be marrying a girl... i've always liked girls so far in my life... so what does all these mean..?? lol that i am a lesbian trapped in a guy's body..?? i think not.. there is so many different thoughts and emotions that i can go through in a span of 60 secs that it is amazing...

also, i happened to see a couple of pregnant women as i was walking along... to me, they looked beautiful.. there is something about them that made them look so beautiful to me... it seemed to reach out to me.. and made me feel once again wanting to be a mother... i know going through pregnancy is not a small matter... the physiological, emotional and psychological changes that takes place through the entire process of conception, pregnancy, childbirth and nurturing of the newborn is one heck of a huge challange.. and perhaps with the part of me wanting to go through that process and to experience that, i am actually becoming more aware of the process itself.. even if it is only by that tiny little bit...

perhaps in due time i might even be a little bit more aware of this little miracle of life that we call life.. :)

The strangeness that is I..??

2005-01-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

this is about a very interesting person that is I... interesting perhaps to some, confused perhaps to others... I have never tried blogs before in the past.. this is My first time.. :) but I'll post anyways.. :)

being born as a boy, i know that since young, i've been more comfortable around girls than around boys and that i would prefer playing the games that girls play than play with most other boys my age. and that i've always like to play 'make believe' and that i was almost certainly always a girl in those 'make believe' spaces.. and during my early teens, i started to secretly dress up as a girl with my mother's clothes... i loved the feelings that it gave me, dressed as a girl... i would experience sexual arousals and ejeculations during those times i dressed up... after the ejeculations, i would quickly return the items of clothings to their original places and i would have a strange mental conversation with myself... "shouldn't be doing this.. it doesn't seem right"... "but it felt so good.. i feel happy right now"... those were the thoughts that would come into my young mind then...

and when i was in my mid teens, i don't engage in most of the stuff that boys my age do... neither do i engage in anything overtly feminine.. i still enjoyed the few covert dressing-ups at home alone... during that time of my life, i was pretty much a loner and even when i was labelled as a 'sissy' i simply shrugged it off... as much as i was a loner, i do know that i had started taking notice of the girls around me and their developing bodies and figures.. i also noted that i definitely would consider dating girls yet i never got close to anyone or perhaps i never allowed anyone to get close to me subconciously either...

when i entered my late teens, the crossdressing dropped to almost nil and i just pushed all those crossdressing thoughts and past experiences aside.. and i even started dating a girl when i was in my early 20s... yup i m a late-starter in that aspect of life... but then, i started to crossdress again in my mid-20s, when i was starting university... but for the most part of the times, i would simply attribute or associate the crossdressing with sexual arousals and my own sexual desires/fantasies...

it was only recently that i took another look at the situation that i am in and decided to re-access it all.. and now i am in my late 20s and looking back and wondering who am i really...??

right now, in the recent few months, i've begining to have very strange thoughts of who i am... i would look at my body and thing that i am looking through someone else's eyes... looking through a body that is not mine.. yet i can't find anything wrong with the body... i am born with the XY chromosome, i have nothing that is anatomically wrong with respect to my genes... yet at times i wish i was born with the XX chromosome instead...

at times i m just happy with the body that i have (except for the bad case of acne..!!! heheh who would like to have pimples, i mean seriously..!!! and pimples don't help with shaving...!! imagine scraping a razor blade and bursting a zit..!! ouch..!!) yet at times, i wished i was born with a female body instead... the feelings and sensations as a woman would be far different than as a man... at least that is how i perceive it to be...

even more recently, i am begining to have thought of wanting to be a woman and getting married dressed in a white wedding dress... to naturally conceive and become pregnant and to give birth to my own child and to breast feed my own baby.... in short, to be a mother... yet at the same time i want to be a father.... strange..??

right now, it feels almost like either there are 2 souls within me or my conciousness feels so strongly about both its musculine as well as its feminine sides that i almost need 2 seperate bodies just to fit that conciousness into..!!! although i would like to achieve it all with a single body but i don't see how it is possible...

sexual reassignment isn't the way for me either, as like i said, i m comfortable with my current male body.. yet i seek the female body... in a way as if to complete the person that is me... the conciousness that is me...

that is how i feel right this moment, as i ponder and looked back at all the issues in my own life that i've been avoiding till now... issues that i swept under the carpet or bottled up for so long... yet perhaps this is the best time in my life for me to deal with them... probably because if i was younger, i might not have the wisdom or insight or the resources to even know what i am dealing with or doing... and any older, i might have other issues that i need to consider too... perhaps the time is right for me now to deal with this... :)

i just hope that someone out there can help me as i take this journey of self-discovery...